Fat Slags (2004)

Starring: Fiona Allen, Sophie Thompson, Jerry O'Connell, Anthony Head, Geri Halliwell, Naomi Campbell, Angus Deayton, Hugh Dennis, Les Dennis, James Dreyfus, Tom Goodman-Hill, Michael Greco, Ralf Little, Dolph Lundgren, Henry Miller, Steve Punt, John Thomson, Don Warrington

Director: Ed By

Running Time: 75 minutes

US MPAA rating: N/A
UK BBFC rating: 15
Comedy

'Fat Slags' is the best film I've ever seen in my entire life. Sitting through it, I thought I was never going to stop laughing. I'm lying, of course. In actual fact, it's bollocks.

Based on the 'Viz' comic strip of the same name, it casts the normally-alright Fiona Allen and Sophie Thompson as Sandra and Tracey, a couple of tracksuit-clad takeaway-loving chubsters. One day the obnoxious pair decide to take a bus trip from hometown Fulchester (apparently that's in "The North") to London where, unbeknownst to them, fame and fortune awaits. You see (dear God, I'm embarrassed even writing about this now) a passing media mogul (Jerry "I should be a-bloody-shamed of myself" O'Connell) gets a knock on the head and decides to make them stars. Before you can say "slit my wrists now, I'm ready", the pair are gracing the catwalk at London Fashion Week, the stage on 'Top of the Pops', and the best table at the nearest kebab house.

If I had to choose between watching this again and sticking my head into the gaping jaws of a starving man-eating short-tempered tiger, I'd choose the tiger every time. Better still, I'd send the tiger into the cinema to maim the guffawing cretins sitting behind me. Seriously, we're all entitled to our opinions, but the sort of people who laugh at "man gets hit on head by plant pot", "woman farts in bath" or, strangest of all, "pensioner gets hit on head with dead dog, falls into a wheelbarrow and inexplicably catches fire" are exactly what's wrong with this country. Don't worry though - I got a good look at each of their faces whilst leaving, just in case I ever need to do a photo-fit for 'Crimewatch'.

Quite simply, everyone involved in making this truckload of tripe should be lined up against a wall and shot. It's hard to believe that William Osborne, the man responsible for penning this worst-film-of-all-time, once wrote the reasonably entertaining 'Twins'. Then there's director Ed Bye. Ed, you directed 'Red Dwarf' man! How can YOU not know that this stuff is as funny as eating heaped spoonfuls of broken glass? And just look at that cast - Geri Halliwell, Angus Deayton, Michael Greco, PUNT AND DENNIS?? We know times are hard folks, but seriously, whatever happened to being able to look your loved ones in the face?

So go see 'Fat Slags' today!! Or, alternatively, stay at home and repeatedly bang your shins off the corner of a coffee table.

It's Got: Roughly the same laughs-to-misery ratio as spending a weekend in a prison cell for something you didn't do - and having to share that cell with a large tattooed man named Laura.

It Needs: To be recommended to people you really, REALLY dislike.

Alternatives: Sex Lives of the Potato Men which, incredibly, now seems pretty darn funny by comparison (and I know all you guys who wrote those comments underneath my review of that one love me really!).

Summary: This could very well be the worst film ever made. Overall Score: 0 out of 10