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Decoys (2004)

They’re not what they seem

Rating: 6/10

Running Time: 95 minutes

US Certificate: R UK Certificate: 15


“Belt of Orion?” screams our gas-torch wielding hero. “How about Belt of O’FRYIN’?” Yes folks, it’s that time again when I get to review a gleefully-terrible straight-to-video B-movie horror, and love every minute of it. Feeling like you need a bit of a laugh? Well make sure you find yourself a copy of ‘Decoys’ quick-smart, because I defy anyone to sit through it without near-soiling themselves with hilarity.

Like ‘Species’ on laughing gas, it’s the tale of a Canadian Uni unwittingly infested with man-hungry Martians. Still, you’d think they’d at least be easy to spot, what with their somewhat unsavoury habit of projecting flailing tentacles from their belly-buttons and forcing them down the kissers of any unfortunate male who happens to look twice at them. But no, these inter-galactic visitors are cunning. You see, they’ve disguised themselves as blonde-haired, large-bosomed hotties, and they won’t rest until they’ve had their wicked way with every bloke in sight.

Perhaps understandably, most of the men on campus seem willing to take their chances regardless. But halls-dwelling fresher Luke (Corey Sevier) isn’t just ANY man. He’s a man with a kettle, a flame-thrower, and a seemingly bottomless reservoir of horrendously bad Arnie-style one-liners. Please Luke, save us all before it’s too late!

It’s safe to say ‘Decoys’ isn’t going to be included in anyone’s list of all-time greatest sci-fi horror flicks any time soon, but it is a genuinely riotous experience which had my flat-mate and I in stitches from start to finish. I’m still not entirely sure how many of the laughs are intentional, but no matter. It’s the sort of film where a man hauled into the police station as chief suspect for a string of murders will happily explain his crackpot theory about babes from space, but omit to mention the fact that he himself has got a rock solid alibi. It’s the sort of film where the detective investigating the case (a hammed-up Richard Burgi) repeatedly and inexplicably refers to said suspect as “puppy”. It’s also the sort of film where the hero dresses up as a Ghostbuster, demands complete strangers show him their navels, and chucks boiling-hot water at people to prove they’re not of this earth. Frankly, the guy’s clearly mental and should be locked up whether he’s correct or not!

It's Got: Elias Toufexis, an actor who looks just like a fat Elijah Wood. If you’ve ever wondered what the offspring of ‘The Lord of the Ring’s’ Frodo and Sam would look like, now’s your chance to find out.

It Needs: To be used as conclusive proof that “so bad it’s good” should officially be recognised as a genre in its own right.

DVD Extras A sneaky look behind the scenes, and a trailer. DVD Extras Rating: 3/10


Who needs a good horror movie when you can watch a trouser-wettingly funny one instead?