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SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

Baby Geniuses 2

Meet the new generation of superheroes.

Rating: 1/10

Running Time: 88 minutes

US Certificate: PG UK Certificate: U

Jean Bobbins (Vanessa Angel), who runs the day care centre in ‘Superbabies’, has a question that she’s always wondered about: when babies coo and gurgle and squelch, are they communicating with each other? Sure, maybe they are. I suppose it’s a possibility. Can’t see why not. But surely the bigger question is: are they actually saying anything worthwhile? The answer, if the writers of this guff have anything to do with it, is a big fat smelly no.

This whole-heartedly unwelcome sequel to 1999’s similarly insipid ‘Baby Geniuses’ places us uncomfortably in the company of a gaggle of nappy-clad brats whose ability to converse amongst themselves is matched only by their ability to irritate surely every sane-minded viewer on the planet. Led by a supposedly legendary super-tot by the name of Kahuna, they dress up as superheroes and set out to foil the scheming ways of nasty media mogul Bill Biscane (Jon Voight, adopting a German accent so bad that I half-suspected he might have been auditioning for a part in a comeback series of ‘Allo Allo’). Biscane plans to use satellite transmissions to contaminate the minds of the small and the stinky – which might seem terrible at first, until you realise that whatever it is he plans on broadcasting, it can’t be any worse than this movie. So bring it on, I say.

I have to admit I often enjoy settling down to a crap movie. After all, to use an extremely old cliché, many of them are so bad that they’re good – but ‘Superbabies’ is just so bad that it really is horrendously bad. Even disregarding the nonsensical plot, witless dialogue and cack-handed direction (‘Porky’s’ helmsman Bob Clark should be punched repeatedly in the stomach for involving himself in this), there’s quite simply no chance of overturning a single hidden redeeming feature in all that is left. You see, it’s not just that the film’s rubbish – it’s that it’s creepy. In fact, it’s much, much creepier than any horror movie you could care to mention. In one scene, a baby gets involved in a fist fight with a group of adults who actually fight back. There’s just something intrinsically wrong and obnoxious about that.

It's Got: Babies taking risks.

It Needs: Babies taking rusks.


This detestable baby bunkum makes’ Look Who’s Talking’ look like ‘Citizen Kane’.