Titans will clash.
Rating: 4/10
Running Time: 118 minutes
US Certificate: PG-13 UK Certificate: 12A
Roaring onto our screens this week is Clash of the Titans, a big, loud borefest of a movie with nothing of substance to back up the pretty action scenes.
Clash of the Titans follows the army of Argos (not the mail-order catalogue business but the Greek Republic – not the first one to make that hillarious joke, certainly not the last) and Perseus (Worthington) – the illegitimate demi-God son of Zues – as he takes the fight to the Gods in a war between mankind and the guys upstairs. The chief foes for this fisherman-cum-expert swordsman are the God of the Underworld, Hades (Fiennes) who is summoned by head God, Zues (Neeson), angry king Calibos (Flemyng) and the infamous, almost indestructable mythilogical thing, the Kraken. Basically, Perseus goes on a Lord of the Ringsesque trek involving huge CGI-beasts and manly banter to find out how he can defeat the forces of evil.
The main drawback of this swords-and-sandals epic is the boredom factor. In between the tedious battles with over-the-top monsters, we are treated to portracted scenes of poorly-constructed dialogue where each character tries to prove who has the biggest testicals. A formula seen all-so-often in films like 300 and Beowolf, but with far more charm. The CGI-rendered landscapes are well-construcuted and look nice enough but, like Lindsay Lohan, any sound that comes from it, just goes and ruins everything.
Leterrier has managed the most ridiculous depiction of the Greek God’s ever seen on the big screen. With their awful hair and silvery jumpsuits they all seem to have received fashion tips from Brian Blessed and his winged chums from Flash Gordon. Liam Neeson (remember when he used to sparingly pick good films) and Ralph Fiennes cringingly ham it up to the hilt as Zues and Hades respectively. Sam Worthington, excellent in Terminator Salvation, passable in Avatar and plain bog-standard here as Perseus is mean and moody and he creates a character who is very hard to care for.
It's Got: Poor dialogue, fearsome monsters, the worst tagline ever - 'Titans will Clash'
It Needs: Some substance, a more urgent pace.
Summary
Calling Clash of the Titans a ‘run of the mill actioner’ would be too kind to this vacuous, pretty boy swords and sandals borefest. And what has happened to Liam Neeson – why did his agent allow him to appear with big hair and a shiny, silver jumpsuit?