Tom Tyker’s Heaven is one of those movies that isn’t afraid to ask the big questions. The million dollar one here is: Have you ever fallen so in love with a woman at first sight that you’ve wet the bed? That’s just what young police officer/interpreter Filippo (Ribisi) does when he meets Philippa (Blanchett) – a young schoolteacher who takes one for the team when she tries to bump off a crack dealer but inadvertently kills a cleaner and a child. He’s proud of it too as he tells his policeman Father (Girone). Now, I’m a bit disturbed because I don’t think I could ever have been in love as I’ve only ever pissed the bed when I was a four year old or when I’ve been blind drunk.
That whole episode got me and Heaven off on the wrong foot and it doesn’t get any better. As Heaven bundles it’s way through a jailbreak and a lovebird’s escape into admittedly beautiful Italian countryside, Blanchett and Ribisi show absolutely no screen chemistry as they share long apparently meaningful silences and fail to interest us in anyway. Ribisi is just not a romantic lead. I have nothing against people with learning difficulties getting that loving feeling but I just don’t think they should have a shot at Cate Blanchett. Excuse me? You say Ribisi doesn’t have learning difficulties? Well, blow me.
And then there is the ludicrous climax that I better not spoil. The trailers and synopses may try and kid you that this has a major element of a thriller in it but it really doesn’t. Not since The Notebook have I watched something so cringingly and pretentiously trying to cover the ‘love conquers all’ market. Barf.