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Immortals (2011)

The Gods Need a Hero

Rating: 6/10

Running Time: 110 minutes

US Certificate: R UK Certificate: 15

Oh deary, very very angry King Hyperion (Rourke) really wants the magical epirus bow that can unleash a banished Titan army with which he can rule the known world. All he has to do is find it and this resourceful young man will torture and kill anyone to do so. The only roadblocks are Theseus (Cavill) – a peasant unknowingly chosen by Zeus (Evans) to defend humanity – and Phaedra (Pinto), a  priestess who can see into the future.

Immortals is a much darker and less family-friendly fare than the lastest slew of swords and sandals mythfests. If you like seeing a guygetting a sledgehammer vasectomy, people boiling to death inside a giant silver bull and decapitations of extras nearly running into triple figures, then this is for you. It looks pretty good as well as the CGI backgrounds provide a nice setting for the uncompromising action and there is a welcome absence of electronically ruined beasties.

So far, so good. However, although it’s admittedly nice and entertaining and an easy watch, Immortals is not exactly going to go down as a classic or even one you will remember in a year. The ever-topless hero is too sweet and perfect and his swashbuckling sidekick Stavros (Dorff) – no, not a Greek gyros merchant – is an annoyingly brash, American mini-Kiefer Sutherland. Unsurprisingly, the dialogue and acting are fit for early evening television – think, Xena Warrior Princess or Stargate. The story is too lightweight and full of holes – like the magical epirus bow not seeming like it’s that special – to be taken seriously. Which I probably shouldn’t do but I can’t go about claiming this perfectly watchable film is everything more than that or I couldn’t sleep at night.

As an aside, I owe Liam Neeson a bit of an apology. It turns out that you can’t make a film about the Greek gods without making them look absolutely ridiculous. So, Liam, Clash of the Titans was not entirely you fault.

It's Got: Lots of bloody action, decent CGI, watchability

It Needs: Better acting and dialogue and a slightly (doesn't need to go too far towards CofTT) more heavyweight plot


A perfectly watchable swords and sandals gorefest. Nothing more.