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South West 9 (2001)

No ordinary day trip

Directed by:

Richard Parry

Rating: 2/10

Running Time: 90 minutes

UK Certificate: 18


If your only perception of London was borne of watching self-important rot like this, you’d probably think that EVERYONE in the place was a drug dealer. Or, worse still, a DJ. Dear God, am I FED UP of the glamorisation of nightclub DJs. It’s really not that impressive. It’s just playing music. Going to a nightclub because of a specific DJ is the intellectual equivalent of heading for the cinema because you’ve heard they’ve got a cracking projectionist. There – I’ve said it.

Brixton-based ‘South West 9’ takes us through a day in the life of five people: Freddy (Wil Johnson), who’s a drug-dealing DJ; Jake (Stuart Laing), who’s a drug dealer; Mitch (Mark Letheren), who deals drugs; Kat (Amelia Curtis), who drug deals; and Helen (Orlessa Edwards), who neither DJs nor deals drugs, but is hoping to destroy the company she works for so that she can devote her time to learning a new trade. Might I suggest drug dealing? Or how about becoming a DJ?

From the opening aerial view of London that looks like it was nicked from the start of ‘EastEnders’, we’re pulled deeper and deeper into the not-even-slightly fascinating world of – erm – DJ-ing and drug-dealing. The whole tiresome affair is accompanied for the duration by quite possibly the most inane narration in cinematic history, with Freddy interrupting the tedium every few minutes or so with gems like “every note has a voice, every tune has a story”, or some guff about setting rats’ tails on fire. In short, stuff that DOESN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING.

Director Richard Parry teeters perennially on the verge of addressing such issues as corporate swindling, anti-capitalism, class rivalry, rape, politics, and religion. But in the end he deals adequately with none of them, wisely choosing instead to show us some more footage of DJs, drug-dealing, and various pill-popping glostick-waving oxygen-wasters.

The story itself is pretty basic, but can be tough to follow if only because it’s so mind-sappingly dull that you’ll find your mind wandering on to far more taxing issues. Such as what’s for tea. Or whether it’s possible to actually witness the process of paint drying. Or just how DO you go about becoming a DJ?

It's Got: Nicola Stapleton (who’s really come down in the world since those heady days as the girl in ‘Simon and the Witch’), and that bloke who plays Finchy in ‘The Office’.

It Needs: To stop ramming its manufactured brand of yoof culture down our throats.

DVD Extras A trailer, deleted scenes, image gallery, music videos, and a featurette in which director Parry, with his grossly-misplaced enthusiasm, mistakenly assumes anyone will be even remotely interested in his ‘war stories’. DVD Extras Rating: 1/10


Human Traffic, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Trainspotting


This will appeal to you only if you’ve had your brain surgically replaced with a small squishy piece of fruit.

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