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Crossroads (2002)

Dreams change. Friends are forever.

Directed by:

Tamra Davis

Rating: 2/10

Running Time: 93 minutes

UK Certificate: PG

On DVD

Country: United States

Eight years ago, three little girlies put their dreams in a box and buried it. The daft idiots. Surely that’s just an empty box? But no, for when the trio return on the night of their high school graduation, they find it full of childhood trinkets and, even though they by now hate each other, once again become friends for life. Awwww, bless. If you think that sounds mind-rottingly dull, wait until you’ve sat through the remaining 80 minutes.

Before you can say “this is only marginally better than stabbing yourself repeatedly in the face with a bread knife”, the whining threesome – among them warbling midriff-showing pop weasel Britney Spears – have leapt into a car and set off for LA. Along for the ride, for no apparent reason, is Anson Mount as a suspected murderer and token stubblehunk.

It’s around this point you might start to wonder what the purpose of this road trip actually is. Well, it could be that one of the girls (Taryn Manning) aspires to pop stardom, and is on her way to an audition – but that seems unlikely as it later turns out she can’t sing for toffee and needs to be bailed out of a karaoke contest by Britters. It could be that Britney wants to confront the mother (Kim Cattrall) who abandoned her as a three-year-old. But why, then, does she barely mention it – either before or after finally meeting up with mumsie? Perhaps it’s that the third girl (Zoe Saldana) wants to visit her boyfriend, who also just happens to live “on the way”. But, yet again, after a brief – if eventful – meeting, they all just revert back to giggling, singing, and making you want to rip your own ears off just so that you don’t have to listen to them any longer.

In every sense, this movie is an absolute mess. Even worse than Britney’s inherent falseness and general “look at me!” aura, is the fact that writer Shonda Rhimes never bothers to give any true purpose to the tale. Yes, it’s chock-full of “serious” issues, from date rape, to teenage pregnancy, to the dangers of falling down a flight of stairs, but no sooner have any of these issues been raised than each of the characters seem to forget about them. The plot has gaping holes all the way through, and as a result is left with little more substance than one of its star’s own music vids – only this is much, much longer.

It's Got: Me desperately trying to think of something positive to say about it.

It Needs: Bobble-hat Benny. Is this ‘Crossroads’ or isn’t it?

DVD Extras Strictly for the Britney fans, this one – but it’s a decent array of extras nonetheless. You get a Britney karaoke sing-a-long (just in case you STILL don’t know the words to “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” despite the countless renditions throughout the movie), a music video editing suite (and no – you can’t edit Britney OUT of it), TV spots, trailers, music vids, and 3 featurettes. Best of all though is “How to make your t-shirt like Britney’s” which, surprise surprise, basically tells you to take a perfectly good t-shirt and cut off the sleeves, neckline and midriff. Step 4, presumably, is “Don’t tell mum”. Anyway, now all I need is a lesson on how to turn my favourite pair of trousers into Christina Aguilera-style chaps and I’ll be good to go! DVD Extras Rating: 7/10

Summary

A movie that tries to pass off the lyrics to “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” as poetry. And that’s just ONE example of how bad it is.

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