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Hellborn (2003)

God doesn’t come around here

Rating: 2/10

Running Time: 81 minutes

UK Certificate: 15


There are certain things horror movies shouldn’t do. One is to give us a good look at the main monster/demon/ghost/baddie within the first few minutes (particularly when, as in this case, it’s clearly a bloke in a rubbish costume). Another big no-no in my book is jam-packing the cast with an array of the worst actors in the history of film-making (come to think of it, that rule probably isn’t exclusive to the horror genre). ‘Hellborn’ does both. ‘Hellborn’ is a very, very bad movie.

Armed only with a stethoscope and permanent case of 5 o’ clock shadow, Matt Stasi takes the lead as rookie doctor James Bishop. For his first work placement, he’s been given a gig at the unfeasibly large St. Andrews Mental Hospital, where the sound of bad actors wailing fills the corridors and nobody ever thinks to switch the lights on.

Top dog on the wards is Dr McCort (Bruce Payne), who goes about injecting the poor mentalists (presumably with thick molten ham) and feeding their souls to the ridiculously low budget monster that lives in the “The Sacrifice Room” (it’s just next to the coffee machine). So it looks like it’s up to good ol’ James to gather up some evidence and save the day. Or at least save the nutters.

The only positive thing I can think of to say about this pile of mince is that it’s also one Helluva good laugh. Each time you think you’ve seen the worst actor that director Philip J. Jones can throw at us, another anti-thesp pops up to somehow manage an even more ridiculous performance. I can only assume Rob Schneider was busy on the day of the casting call.

It's Got: A soundtrack lifted straight from ‘Now That’s What I Call Generic Horror Music”.

It Needs: To be used as a coaster.

DVD Extras Just a trailer. DVD Extras Rating: 1/10


80 minutes of pure pap.