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Do I Love You? (2003)

A philosophical romantic comedy about breaking up

Rating: 1/10

Running Time: 73 minutes

UK Certificate: 18

Billed as the first UK lesbian feature in a decade, ‘Do I Love You?’ was the runaway success of last year’s London Lesbian & Gay Film Festival, and has already scooped a couple of awards on the international film fest circuit. With that in mind, you have to wonder just how OTT the plaudits would be if it was actually any good – and not the pile of plopsy it really is.

With both the production values and acting standards of a ‘You’ve Been Framed’ home video, this self-engrossed dull-heap by comedienne-turned-director Lisa Gornick is, in all seriousness, the worst film I have ever had the extreme discomfort to sit through. It truly is rank awful.

Gornick herself takes the lead role as dyke-on-a-bike Marina, a tedious sap of a woman who cycles aimlessly around London philosophising on and on (and on some more) about love, life and lesbianism. She has occasional liaisons with the platoon of like-minded ladies thrown into the mix, one foul-mouthed altercation with a bloke in a car, and even a glimpse of man-bum. Meanwhile, her equally-sappy friends sit around in minimalist flats (each of which have rooms so bare you can’t help but suspect they’ve been hired at the last minute for filming), discussing ‘Guardian’ articles on lesbianism and droning insipidly on about “the self”. Honestly, who in the world talks like these people?

There’s no plotline here, and neither is there any let-up from the constant dissection of the film’s one and only subject – lady-on-lady action. At no point in the proceedings does any single line of the dialogue mention anything other than lesbianism, what it’s like to be a lesbian, or why lesbians are lesbians in the first place. And, if you think I’ve started using the word “lesbian” far too much, just try watching the film. In fact, scrap that idea and don’t bother. Life’s far too short to waste it on watching skull-numbing cack like this.

It's Got: Brendan Gregory looking a bit like a moustache-less Des Lynam.

It Needs: A good shake.


Do I love you? No. Definitely not.