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Money Train (1995)

Get on, or GET OUT THE WAY!

Rating: 4/10

Running Time: 103 minutes

UK Certificate: 18


“Nothing stops the money train,” says the slightly unreasonable transport police captain Donald Patterson (Robert Blake) as he orders a cash-holding subway carriage to carry on despite knowing full well that two of his men are inside the tunnel. “F*ck with my train, and I’ll kill you,” he continues, like a compulsive-obsessive (and, it turns out, a bit racist) version of the Fat Controller.

If you’re thinking this sounds a lot like one of those daft action movies that’s frankly impossible to take seriously – and normally star either Steven Seagal or Wesley Snipes – then you’d be right. In fact, Snipes is here, present and correct, doing exactly what we’d expect of him. That means making a string of glaringly obvious wisecracks, staring a lot, and punching a woman.

He’s subway cop John, and together with mega-mulleted foster brother Charlie (Woody Harrelson – spot the multi-racial gimmick), he’s just about had enough of the obnoxious and not to mention downright-dangerous attitude of Captain Patterson. So, to cut an unnecessarily long story short, Charlie decides the pair of them should rob the “money train”. “You’ll be licking your asshole for a month to get the taste out of your mouth!” cries the captain – and God only knows what means.

The main problem with ‘Money Train’ – aside from the rubbish dialogue, implausible characters, and turgid direction – is that it takes well over an hour to actually get anywhere. The final ‘Speed’-esque action sequence involving the runaway train makes for enjoyable viewing, but up until that point you have to sit through 80 wearisome minutes of rambling drama about Charlie’s gambling problem and John’s semi-believable romance with co-worker Grace (Jennifer Lopez). There’s also a completely unfinished subplot involving Chris Cooper going about setting fire to people – the charmer.

It's Got: Snipes and Harrelson bickering throughout. It’s supposed to be humorous. It’s not.

It Needs: A large dose of perspective for Captain Patterson.

DVD Extras Just a trailer. But wait, it isn’t for the film itself – it’s for DVDs in general! How fantastic is that? Apparently, we can now experience our favourite movies (and ‘Anaconda’) like never before – thanks to the incredible new world of DVD! Yesss!!! DVD Extras Rating: 1/10


All aboard! Next stop, Mediocrity.