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Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

So much drama, so little time

Rating: 4/10

Running Time: 97 minutes

UK Certificate: PG

If those responsible for ‘Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen’ had spent even half as much time trying to come up with an engaging story as they did enforcing endless glittery costume changes, they’d have an Oscar-winner on their hands. Unfortunately, the only award this thing’s likely to win this year is “Shallowest Movie for Early Teens”.

You can’t really fault Lindsay Lohan’s performance as Mary, the somewhat delusional 15-year-old New Yorker who moves to New Jersey, befriends the local nerd (Alison Pill), takes on her new school’s top cat (Megan Fox), and insists on everybody calling her “Lola”. After all, it’s not her fault her character is uninspiring and slightly-annoying even by teen-com standards. But you really have to wonder why on earth she chose to follow up the sparky ‘Freaky Friday’ with such a lame, plotless step backwards.

Of course it’s all completely harmless stuff, with Mary/Lola juggling rehearsals for the school play (a bizarre rock version of ‘My Fair Lady’ featuring Stevie Wonder and David Bowie covers) with attempting to gatecrash the last ever concert of a makey-uppy band called Sidarthur (who appear to have only one song). But it just doesn’t seem to have any discernable sort of point, and at times it seems lacklustre director Sara Sugerman has cobbled the whole thing together without even bothering to give it her full attention.

It’s nowhere near as odious as the likes of The Lizzie McGuire Movie or What A Girl Wants, but it’s also fairly witless, hence the expressions of intense boredom on the faces of all leaving the theatre come the welcome end of the 95 or so minutes – and that included the target audience of teenage girlies. This is definitely one that’s destined for the realms of the instantly forgettable.

It's Got: Remarkably roomy train toilets.

It Needs: To ditch Lohan’s deeply cringeworthy rap in the final big number. The girl can sing, but let’s show a bit of dignity and leave the horrendous rapping to Madonna.


Wholly uninteresting fluff – Lohan should be aiming higher.