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The Baby Juice Express (2004)

One false move and the sperm gets it!

Directed by:

Michael Hurst

Rating: 4/10

Running Time: 86 minutes

UK Certificate: 18

On DVD

Country: United Kingdom

It’s perhaps a little surprising that Nick Moran, the diamond geezer who didn’t really make a name for himself until ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’ came along, would decide to produce, co-write and star in a film that so obviously sets out to take the plopsy out of the Mockney crime caper genre. Then again, the world would be a lesser place if we didn’t all have free reign to take cheap shots at anything and everything done by Guy Ritchie.

‘Baby Juice Express’ is definitely a cheap shot, in as much as it’s both cheap (you can practically hear the sets creaking) and a shot (even if it is through a water pistol that’s been spray-painted black). The cast is literally teeming with “haven’t I seen him/her somewhere before?” types, the better-known of which are the likes of Lisa ‘Holby City’ Faulkner, Samantha ‘Game On’ Janus and, making brief but hilarious cameos, David “I’ve got rubbish hair” Seaman and Ray “So do I” Parlour. Now, it’s hitting the bargain bins of DVD stores the length and breadth of the country, just a couple of months after its original release.

But there’s a sense of the hard-done-by here, for despite looking like it’s destined to be seen by virtually no-one, this is actually a decent little comedy. In a nutshell, it’s about what happens when a locked-up crim (Nick Brimble) decides he wants to produce a baby using the contents of his own – erm – nutshell. His missus (Janus) is on the outside, so he’s arranged for an elaborate chain of couriers to smuggle his man-spunk across town to the lucky, lucky woman. It seems like a foolproof scheme – that is until gangster-wannabe Moran and his three accomplices (Faulkner, Philip Davis and Joseph Paterson) decide to hijack the charmingly-named “Baby Juice Express” and hold its contents to ransom.

The best thing about this film is that it doesn’t take itself remotely seriously. The premise is ridiculous, but it never pretends otherwise – and there’s a decent script with some genuine laugh-out-loud moments. It looks like Moran and his co-writer Michael Hurst (who also directs) are going to have to up their game if some serious recognition is what they’re after, but in comparison to some of the woefully bad Brit-coms I’ve had the great displeasure to sit through of late (‘Sex Lives of the Potato Men’ and ‘Tooth’ spring instantly to mind) this is well worth a rent.

It's Got: Several slippery test-tubes.

It Needs: Stephen Marcus to work on his appalling German accent.

DVD Extras A trailer, a reasonably entertaining 20-minute ‘Making Of’ featurette, and a mildly amusing audio commentary from Messrs Moran and Hurst. DVD Extras Rating: 4/10

Alternatives:

Fakers, The Last Yellow

Summary

Considerably better than its “never heard of it” status would suggest.

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