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The Calcium Kid (2004)

He doesnt just beat his opponents... He creams them.

Directed by:

Alex De Rakoff

Rating: 3/10

Running Time: 89 minutes

US Certificate: R UK Certificate: 15


You’ve got to hand it to Orlando Bloom. Despite clearly being rubbish, he’s so far managed to chalk up appearances in a host of major blockbusters – and ‘Ned Kelly’. Perhaps, though, there’ll be more than a few people who rent the atrocious Brit-com ‘Calcium Kid’, point out the fact that Bloomers actually manages to be one of the better things about it, and suggest that he’s finally found his level. Ooh, we’re a nasty old bunch, aren’t we?

This rank rotten mockumentary charts the build-up to a world championship middle-weight boxing bout, in which Bloom’s Jimmy Connelly is set to compete after accidentally injuring the original contestant (Tamer Hassan). Despite having never taken part in a proper fight in his life, our Jimmy is taken on by ratty promoter Herbie Bush (Omid Djalili), handed the moniker “Calcium Kid” (because of his real life occupation as a milk man), and thrown in at the deep end to go one-on-one with top Mexican-American pugilist Jose Mendez (Michael Pena).

Chock-full of terrible, predictable jokes and horrendously under-developed characters (Billie “Because We Want To” Piper is on-board as Jimmy’s love interest, but only manages five lines), this scabby-budgeted comedy takes a dive in the first round and never gets back up. The only participant who manages to raise even a hint of a smile is Rafe Spall as Jimmy’s best mate Stan – like pretty much everyone else in the film, he’s playing a poorly thought-out caricature, but at least he shows a bit of comic talent and, more importantly in this case, the ability to flog a dead horse.

It's Got: More product placement for milk than you’re ever likely to see outside of a dairy farm – and Hell, let’s face it, at least the cows there are more likely to give you a bit of a laugh.

It Needs: To throw in the towel.

DVD Extras Deleted scenes, out-takes, and – get this – some footage of the auditions for ‘Billy Elliott: The Musical’. If ever there was something to make you want to take the toaster into the bath with you, it’s that last one. DVD Extras Rating: 3/10


Black Ball, Mike Bassett: England Manager


A boxing comedy minus the punch line.