He doesnt just beat his opponents... He creams them.
Alex De Rakoff
Running Time: 89 minutes
US Certificate: R UK Certificate: 15
Country: United Kingdom
Youve got to hand it to Orlando Bloom. Despite clearly being rubbish, hes so far managed to chalk up appearances in a host of major blockbusters and Ned Kelly. Perhaps, though, therell be more than a few people who rent the atrocious Brit-com Calcium Kid, point out the fact that Bloomers actually manages to be one of the better things about it, and suggest that hes finally found his level. Ooh, were a nasty old bunch, arent we?
This rank rotten mockumentary charts the build-up to a world championship middle-weight boxing bout, in which Blooms Jimmy Connelly is set to compete after accidentally injuring the original contestant (Tamer Hassan). Despite having never taken part in a proper fight in his life, our Jimmy is taken on by ratty promoter Herbie Bush (Omid Djalili), handed the moniker Calcium Kid (because of his real life occupation as a milk man), and thrown in at the deep end to go one-on-one with top Mexican-American pugilist Jose Mendez (Michael Pena).
Chock-full of terrible, predictable jokes and horrendously under-developed characters (Billie Because We Want To Piper is on-board as Jimmys love interest, but only manages five lines), this scabby-budgeted comedy takes a dive in the first round and never gets back up. The only participant who manages to raise even a hint of a smile is Rafe Spall as Jimmys best mate Stan like pretty much everyone else in the film, hes playing a poorly thought-out caricature, but at least he shows a bit of comic talent and, more importantly in this case, the ability to flog a dead horse.
It's Got: More product placement for milk than youre ever likely to see outside of a dairy farm and Hell, lets face it, at least the cows there are more likely to give you a bit of a laugh.
It Needs: To throw in the towel.
DVD Extras Deleted scenes, out-takes, and get this some footage of the auditions for Billy Elliott: The Musical. If ever there was something to make you want to take the toaster into the bath with you, its that last one. DVD Extras Rating: 3/10
Alternatives:Black Ball, Mike Bassett: England Manager
A boxing comedy minus the punch line.