Get on, or GET OUT THE WAY!
Running Time: 103 minutes
UK Certificate: 18
Country: United States
Nothing stops the money train, says the slightly unreasonable transport police captain Donald Patterson (Robert Blake) as he orders a cash-holding subway carriage to carry on despite knowing full well that two of his men are inside the tunnel. F*ck with my train, and Ill kill you, he continues, like a compulsive-obsessive (and, it turns out, a bit racist) version of the Fat Controller.
If youre thinking this sounds a lot like one of those daft action movies thats frankly impossible to take seriously and normally star either Steven Seagal or Wesley Snipes then youd be right. In fact, Snipes is here, present and correct, doing exactly what wed expect of him. That means making a string of glaringly obvious wisecracks, staring a lot, and punching a woman.
Hes subway cop John, and together with mega-mulleted foster brother Charlie (Woody Harrelson spot the multi-racial gimmick), hes just about had enough of the obnoxious and not to mention downright-dangerous attitude of Captain Patterson. So, to cut an unnecessarily long story short, Charlie decides the pair of them should rob the money train. Youll be licking your asshole for a month to get the taste out of your mouth! cries the captain and God only knows what means.
The main problem with Money Train aside from the rubbish dialogue, implausible characters, and turgid direction is that it takes well over an hour to actually get anywhere. The final Speed-esque action sequence involving the runaway train makes for enjoyable viewing, but up until that point you have to sit through 80 wearisome minutes of rambling drama about Charlies gambling problem and Johns semi-believable romance with co-worker Grace (Jennifer Lopez). Theres also a completely unfinished subplot involving Chris Cooper going about setting fire to people the charmer.
It's Got: Snipes and Harrelson bickering throughout. Its supposed to be humorous. Its not.
It Needs: A large dose of perspective for Captain Patterson.
DVD Extras Just a trailer. But wait, it isnt for the film itself its for DVDs in general! How fantastic is that? Apparently, we can now experience our favourite movies (and Anaconda) like never before thanks to the incredible new world of DVD! Yesss!!! DVD Extras Rating: 1/10
All aboard! Next stop, Mediocrity.