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Stealth (2005)

Fear the sky.

Rating: 4/10

Running Time: 121 minutes

US Certificate: PG-13 UK Certificate: 12A

‘Top Gun’ meets ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ meets being punched repeatedly in the face in this pea-brained, air-borne guff-fest.

It’’s “the near future”, and three top fighter-pilots have been given the job of ceasing their hearty manly banter for just long enough to partake in a new anti-terrorist programme. They are Ben (Josh Lucas), Henry (Jamie Foxx) and Kara (Jessica Biel), but that’’s only part of the story, because they soon learn that they’’re also to be joined on their missions by a (supposedly) intelligent, self-guiding stealth bomber called EDI (that stands for “Extreme Deep Invader”, just in case there’’s even the slightest chance that somebody out there cares).

Of course, as you might expect, allowing a lightning-quick, stunt-pulling, radar-dodging jet plane to pretty much make its own decisions really isn’’t the smartest move the US military could ever make, and it’’s not long before a collective “d’oh!” is sounding from mission control. And, as you might have guessed, it’’s up to our three heroes to put things right – just as soon as they’’ve finished prancing around a tropical spring in their swimming cozzies, that is.

To give ‘Stealth’ its due, it does get better as it goes on, but that’’s only because it progresses from boring and stupid to just plain stupid. It really does take forever to get to the point, and once it does get there it’’s quite simply not worth the wait. Of course, we should all know by now to expect this sort of plopsy from director Rob Cohen. After all, he’’s the one responsible for inflicting ‘xXx’ and ‘The Fast and the Furious’ upon the world and, although he does admittedly show some nice touches, for the most part his approach to this one is as gaudy and self-indulgent as ever.

It's Got: Jessica Biel pronouncing the word “wingman” as “wingmin”, as if she thinks she’s talking about a postman or David Letterman.

It Needs: To have had a serious re-think over giving EDI such a camp voice. It’s more Dale Winton than The Terminator.


If the Academy ever see this one, they’ll be campaigning for Jamie Foxx to hand his Oscar back at the earliest possible opportunity. ‘Stealth’ is awful.