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Sorority Row (2009)

Rating: 3/10

Running Time: 101 minutes

US Certificate: R UK Certificate: 18

There’s something strangely endearing about Sorority Row, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s reminiscent of something you’d find in the 80s, or that you might happen across on some late-night cable show. It offers nothing original, it’s a messy stew of clichés and predictability, and MAN is there a letdown with the “killer,” but I’ve seen worse.

Just like you knew it would, things start to go horribly wrong at a sorority party full of bubbles and booze. Seems the gals of Theta Pi have decided to exact revenge against the poor dude who dared to cheat on their “sister” Megan (Audrina Partridge) by making him think he killed her with bad Rufees. Megan winds up for-reals dead, though, and the guilty parties all decide to toss her down a mineshaft and pretend she just went missing. This leads to a whole “I know what you did”-style series of offings until the big killer is revealed.

All the sisters on the Row are perfectly decent in their roles — of them all, Rumer Willis can actually obviously act, even if for most of the film she walks around crying, and Leah Pipes is a convincing bitch –, and some of the killings are pretty inspired. . That’s where my recommendation ends, though, unless somehow you get to see it for free. It’s as if someone, or a group of someones, got together and said, “Hey, let’s take the clichés we’d normally use in a parody of a slasher film and put them all in an actual slasher film … and can we get Carrie Fisher?” I mean, it’s not like anyone was trying to say this was going to revolutionize the horror genre, and to its credit, it seems to know its place and what it’s supposed to do. But really, at what point do we start to want more for our movie buck? Fine, maybe it’ll make a good, cheap rental in a few months, but knowing you’re an unoriginal, flat generalization of a horror movie with a boring twist ending that is only remotely watchable doesn’t excuse you from being the waste of time and money you are. It wasn’t that it was disappointing, because I don’t think there were any expectations that it would be good, and again, if you were watching this at two in the morning on a cable show hosted by a guy with props and a fake Dracula accent, it’s an OK watch. But for money, away from your couch, not so much.

It's Got: A few nice deaths, capable sorority sisters, Princess Leia with a shotgun

It Needs: A better killer, an original thought, to have never named someone “Chugs”


Nobody expected greatness, I’m pretty sure, but Sorority Row could’ve at least put some effort into being entertaining enough to be worthy of paying matinee prices for.